SECTION 1: What do I need to know?
1. TRUE OR FALSE?
Arguments between parents are always harmful to children.
Correct answer: FALSE
Conflict is a normal part of all relationships. What harms children is how parents behave towards each other when in conflict.
CORRECT!
Conflict is a normal part of all relationships. What harms children is how parents behave towards each other when in conflict.
2. TRUE OR FALSE?
How parents argue upsets children more than what they’re arguing about.
CORRECT!
There are constructive (good) and destructive (bad) ways to handle conflict. Constructive conflict helps children to learn that conflict is normal and how to manage conflict in their own relationships in the future. Ask the group what they think might be ‘bad’?
Correct answer: TRUE
There are constructive (good) and destructive (bad) ways to handle conflict. Constructive conflict helps children to learn that conflict is normal and how to manage conflict in their own relationships in the future. Ask the group what they think might be ‘bad’?
3. TRUE OR FALSE?
Giving the ‘Silent Treatment’ is a good way to stop kids being upset.
CORRECT!
Silent treatment is an example of destructive conflict which is harmful to children. Other examples are verbal and physical aggression, withdrawal, arguments involving or about the child. Constructive conflict is where parents are able to stop an argument escalating and are able to sort out their differences.
Correct answer: FALSE
Silent treatment is an example of destructive conflict which is harmful to children. Other examples are verbal and physical aggression, withdrawal, arguments involving or about the child. Constructive conflict is where parents are able to stop an argument escalating and are able to sort out their differences.
TRUE OR FALSE?
4. Children need to see that their parents have made up after an argument.
CORRECT!
Children need to see that their parents have ‘made up’ even though the conflict may not have been resolved, their parents are still friends and show love and affection to each other.
Correct answer: TRUE
Children need to see that their parents have ‘made up’ even though the conflict may not have been resolved, their parents are still friends and show love and affection to each other.
5. MULTIPLE CHOICE
In a home with a lot of hostile arguments, which of the following effects might you notice in a child
Correct answer: D
Some children will act out and show aggressive behaviour but children are affected in a variety of ways.
Correct answer: D
Some children will become sad and withdrawn but children are affected in a variety ways.
Correct answer: D
Often children will try to mediate between their parents or provide emotional support.
CORRECT!
Children are affected in a variety of ways; physical, social and emotional wellbeing outcomes for children can all be.
6. TRUE OR FALSE?
Parents behave differently towards their children when they’ve fallen out with each other.
CORRECT!
Parents might withdraw and not be ‘available’, be distracted by their problems so not notice the children, take it out on them, spend more time with them, try to get them to take sides.
Correct answer: TRUE
Parents might withdraw and not be ‘available’, be distracted by their problems so not notice the children, take it out on them, spend more time with them, try to get them to take sides.
7. TRUE OR FALSE?
Some children are more upset by conflict than others.
CORRECT!
This depends on the personality and age of the child, and if support is available from other family members or friends.
Correct answer: TRUE
This depends on the personality and age of the child, and if support is available from other family members or friends.
8. TRUE OR FALSE?
Younger children are more affected by conflict than older children.
CORRECT!
All children are affected by their parents arguing.
Correct answer: FALSE
All children are affected by their parents arguing.
9. TRUE OR FALSE?
Having someone else to talk to can help a child when there’s lots of arguments at home.
CORRECT!
Having a supportive adult to talk to helps children. Also children with siblings are less vulnerable.
Correct answer: TRUE
Having a supportive adult to talk to helps children. Also children with siblings are less vulnerable.
10. TRUE OR FALSE?
It’s better for children to stay out of arguments than to get involved.
CORRECT!
Children who try to sort it out get more upset and are particularly vulnerable when they feel they have caused the argument.
Correct answer: TRUE
Children who try to sort it out get more upset and are particularly vulnerable when they feel they have caused the argument.
How did you do?
Disagreements and arguments in relationships are normal. But arguments between parents that are intense, hostile or poorly resolved can be harmful to their children. Learning to argue in ways that are helpful rather than harmful is vital for maintaining healthy relationships.
Research shows that children exposed to frequent, destructive conflict are more likely to:
- Experience depression or anxiety.
- Have physical health problems.
- Develop behaviour problems.
- Do worse at school.
There is a knock on effect in later life on adult relationships, psychological wellbeing, and employment.
Activity 2 – Helpful and harmful arguing
Researchers have found that there are two ways of arguing – helpful and harmful.
Watch the first part of this video about Jag’s family and see if you can identify the ways his parents argue that are likely to be harmful to Jag and to their relationship.
LIST THEM HERE:
Harmful arguing is frequent, intense and hostile. It might include:
- Criticism – when a complaint takes the form of a personal attack. This conveys disrespect, disdain, disapproval, and contempt.
- Contempt – sarcasm or personal insults such as, ‘You’re an idiot.’
- Defensiveness – denying responsibility for actions, making excuses, and responding to complaints with counter-complaints.
- Stonewalling – emotional withdrawal, silence, or refusal to speak. It may also be nonverbal, like turning your back and slamming doors.
This type of interaction is like a ping-pong ball being batted back and forth by both partners until eventually they spiral down to the bottom and turn away from each other. It then becomes hard to engage positively and constructively.
Now watch the second part of the video.
What did Jag’s parents do differently this time?
LIST YOUR ANSWERS HERE:
This time Jag’s parents were able to think about how their partner might be feeling – ‘Am, what’s going on?’ – and talk about what was really going on for them without shouting and becoming defensive.
Relationship researchers have found that people have better relationships when their positive moments outweigh their negative ones. The magic ratio of 5 to 1 seems about right.
Activity 3 – Children in the middle
In part one of this video we see a separated couple at the point where her dad returns the little girl to her mum after the weekend. At first the parents argue intensely about the fact that he and his new partner have taken Chloe to the hairdressers without informing her mum. This escalates into an ugly row, with the child caught in the middle.
Now watch the film and think about this situation from Chloe’s point of view:
- How might she be feeling?
- How might this affect her?
Now have a look at the second part of the video, where we see Chloe's parents have the same disagreement using different skills. They stay calm and talk about their expectations of each other. They acknowledge each other’s point of view. They recognise that their child might be harmed when they put her in the middle of their argument, particularly if Chloe thinks she is the reason for them arguing.
Think about the ways you have observed parents putting their children in the middle of their arguments.
These are some of the ways this happens, which are not helpful to children:
- SPY. Asking a child about their other parent’s life can make them feel like a spy. This is common in separated parents.
- JUDGE. Criticising or blaming someone else in front of children makes them confused. Children can’t be expected to judge what is right or who is wrong – they don’t like having to choose between two people.
- MESSENGER. Parents often use their children to take information to each other when there is no other form of communication between them.
- EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. Children are asked to take on too much when providing emotional support to adults. It is important that they don’t feel responsible for another person following relationship breakdown and aren't expected to fill the gap left by the absent partner.
- PUNISHMENT. Children will find it stressful when spending time with one parent is seen as a reward or a punishment. Parents should be encouraged to avoid putting their child in the middle of their conflict, as it is harmful to children.
Learning and evaluation
Activity 4 – Mind map
Complete this mind map of what you need to remember from this section – it will act as an easy guide to recap on the key messages.
