SECTION 3: See it differently

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See it differently is a set of four short video clips of families and two animations. The video scenarios are based on common things parents argue about, like money, in-laws, parenting, and housework. Each video shows a situation going badly when parents argue in ways that are harmful:

• Criticising.
• Silent treatment.
• Defensiveness.
• Shouting.
• Not listening.
• Bringing up past issues.
  

In the second part of the video, we see the same situation going better after the parents have reflected on the way they behaved. They do something differently to try to resolve the argument rather than making it worse. 

The four videos of parents arguing use a technique called Behaviour Modelling Training (BMT) to demonstrate and teach skills of communication. This BMT technique promotes behaviour change by drawing attention to helpful conflict behaviours and naming the skills that are used:  

• STOP. Stay calm and don’t retaliate.‍
• TALK IT OUT. Listen, see it differently, speak for myself.

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Family videos

Jag's family

Jag is five and has just started school. His parents are both worried about money, since Ravi lost his job. They argue about money all the time and often in front of Jag. In this video, Amrita seems particularly irritated when she learns her mother-in-law has bought Jag some new trainers. Perhaps this is already a source of tension for the couple. During their argument Jag tries to show them his drawing but they ignore him.

In the second part of this clip, Jag’s parents talk about what is really going on. This time, they don’t put Jag in the middle.

They use some important skills:

• STOP AND THINK. What else is going on?
• STAY CALM
  

Ravi takes a moment to think about what might be upsetting Amrita: “What’s going on, Am?”

This helps Amrita to stay calm. She tells Ravi about a job she didn’t get.

This conversation ends with Ravi and Amrita comforting each other. The most important thing is this time, they don’t put Jag in the middle of their argument.

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Chloe’s family‍

Chloe is nine and her parents separated some years ago. She spends every other weekend and half the school holidays with her dad. In the first half of the video we see David dropping Chloe back at Amy’s after a weekend together. David has taken Chloe to get her hair done. Amy has a go at David. He becomes defensive and stirs up past arguments. Amy retaliates and threatens to stop the half term holiday.  

In the second part of the clip, Amy is able to see how distressing this argument is for Chloe and is able to think about putting her first. This leads to a more reasonable discussion with David in private. 

They use some important skills:

• STOP: Stay calm
• TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
  

Children do better when they see their parents resolve an argument by listening to each other's points of view and try to resolve their differences. Even if Chloe is listening at the top of the stairs, she can hear them agree to discuss big decisions more calmly. 

Mahmoud’s family‍

Mahmoud is fifteen lives with his mum and dad. Naz is at home all day and looks forward to family time after school and work. Syed is very busy with work and has other family demands on his time. This is often a source of conflict.

Sometimes when we think of conflict, we think about arguments and shouting. But, as this video demonstrates, it can be just as harmful to withdraw, or give each other the silent treatment. In this video, Naz is upset that Mahmoud and Syed are both on their mobile phones at dinner time. No one is taking any notice of her. When Syed leaves the room, Naz shows how she is really feeling, but Mahmoud is the only one there to see how angry and upset she is. This leaves him feeling uncomfortable and worried.

In the second part of the clip, Naz speaks up and Syed listens. They use some important skills:

• SPEAK FOR YOURSELF.
• STOP AND THINK.

What else is going on?

Naz has the courage to speak for herself and tells Syed why she is upset: “I spend most of the day alone.”  Syed stops and listens and makes the effort to be more present for her. He even tells his mum he will call her back later. Mahmoud sees his parents make an effort to resolve their differences. It is good for him to learn how to make relationships work.

Maddie’s family

Maddie is six and lives with her mum and dad. In this video, Steph returns from a busy day at work to find the house messy when she was expecting it to be cleaned. Steph is angry, tired, and stressed. She shouts about the mess and Kieran feels under attack. He becomes defensive and involves Maddie in the row by asking her to verify his story. Maddie is distressed by this and clearly doesn’t want to take sides. She may worry that, whatever she says, it will make things worse.

In the second part of this video, Maddie’s parents take responsibility for how they are feeling. They use some important skills:

• STOP: See it through their eyes
• DON’T MAKE EXCUSES: Say how you feel
  

Kieran stops for a moment and thinks about how he reacted. He knows he shouldn’t have involved Maddie. Instead of trying to defend himself, he talks about what happened: “The day got away from me.” This helps Steph to stay calm so that both parents can talk about what is bothering them. Steph acknowledges the stress they are under and how important it is to talk and listen to each other at a more appropriate time.

How do I introduce this resource to parents?

The video clips can be shared with parents either in groups or individually. The aims are:

• To raise awareness of the ways they argue, and how this might be harmful to their children
• To help them to reflect on their own behaviour. 

The videos also act as a prompt to parents to try doing something differently when they next have an argument. All of the films highlight how easily children can get caught in the middle of an argument.

During the pilot phase many volunteers and centre staff used this resource with parents and shared the videos – sometimes in groups but also on a one-to-one basis.

They all found their own way of doing this but there are a few tips to help you:

• Trust is crucial. Even if you use a more casual approach it is still important to be honest. “Just wondering if you would like to have a look at these videos with me. I’ve noticed you and [your partner] seem to be having a lot of arguments and I think they might help.”
  

• Understanding of the characteristics and needs of parents at your centres will help you tailor the sessions so that parents get the best out of them. “I think it just depends on your users and the individual people. Some of them might not want to admit that they need to watch it or stuff like that.” 
  

• You can choose to use all of the videos or just the ones that are appropriate to the parents who come to your centre.
  

• Introduce the resource as part of your existing courses so that it becomes part of another programme or event you are working on.
  

• Build in time for reflection at the end of the session.“If you let reflection happen, if you let discussions happen, people will always open up and that’s what we’ve always found.”
  

You may want to incorporate See it differently into a more formal group teaching session. We have included an example of a session plan that you can use or adapt to suit the needs of your group.

Discussion notes 

You can choose to use any of the videos with the parents you meet, based on the one you think will best suit their needs. For example, you might use Chloe's family if most of the parents are separated, or Mahmoud's story if they are parents of older children. You might use more than one. Whichever you choose, it is important that you are familiar with the content before sharing so that you can facilitate the discussion. You will probably find that you will have to start the ball rolling. Some simple questions might help:

• What do you think was going on for each parent? 
• Why did the argument start?
• What did they do to make it worse? 
• What did they do to calm things down? 
• What do you think it felt like to be the child in this situation? 
  

During the discussion it may become obvious that a parent is struggling with their emotions or showing signs of distress. You might have to take a break or get someone to help out with the group while you have a private conversation using the brief encounters method from Section 2.

Overcoming obstacles 

Parents often have doubts about trying out the skills and tips included in the See it differently resource. Change is often met with resistance:

We have included two animations in Seeing it differently to help parents see how they can use the tips in their life. This reinforces the skills of positive communication that were demonstrated in the family videos and can be motivational for parents. 

Practitioners can reiterate the key message – it is better for children when parents can stay calm and sort out their differences without shouting and criticising or giving the silent treatment. Even if one parent makes a change, it can have a positive effect on the ways things go in an argument.

Learning and evaluation 

Don’t forget to complete the mind map of what you need to remember from this section – it can act as an easy guide for the next time you recognise someone needs your help, or for when you share the resource in a group.

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Evaluation 

As this is an innovation project, funded by the Department of Work and Pensions, we are very keen to hear how you found this guide. We would very much appreciate it if you could fill in the feedback form, so that we can continue to develop and improve the resource for practitioners. It only takes a few minutes. You can complete the evaluation here. Thank you for your time.