SECTION 2: How can I have conversations with parents about their relationship?
Activity 1
Take a moment to think about the following questions:
1. How often do relationship problems come up at the centre where you work?
2. How do you feel about offering support when someone turns to you with a relationship problem?
3. What do you think is expected of you in this situation?
You may have had some of these common concerns:
- It’s none of my business.
- I don’t have time.
- It might open a can of worms.
- I don’t have the skills.
- I’m not a Relate counsellor.
You are not expected to fix things or provide the solutions. It isn’t about being a relationship counsellor, but you can have a conversation and share the See it differently resources to help parents communicate in ways that are not harmful to their children.
Brief Encounters
The Brief Encounters® model is a well-researched and effective way of helping people engage in relationship conversations. It is based on the principle of offering your full attention, time, and respect to help someone understand their situation and think about what they might do differently. It offers a structure to help you feel more confident in managing your time with people, and to avoid getting caught up in wanting to fix their problems. It encourages people to find solutions that work for them.
The three stages of Brief Encounters® can be remembered as the three Rs:
How do I recognise the signs?
Activity 2
Think about families you have worked with in the past where the parents’ relationship with one another was an issue.
- What kind of signs did you pick up?
- What behaviours did you observe that indicated there might be a relationship issue?
Signs of relationship issues are not always obvious – sometimes someone will make an off-the-cuff remark, or they might just look withdrawn or sad. You might notice a change in their appearance, or they might tell you they aren’t sleeping, or are drinking more. They may be worried about financial issues such as repaying loans, or think their partner is having an affair. If they are a parent, they may be more likely to seek help about a child’s behaviour, such as sleeping or feeding problems. They may seem overly anxious and worried.
How do I respond?
The first thing to do is to make an offer to help.
“I’ve got 10 minutes now if you’d like to chat.”
The most important skill for relationship conversations is active listening. This is a way of listening that shows the person who is talking that you are really listening to every word they are saying. These skills will be probably be familiar to you:
- Attentive listening. Concentrating on every word without getting distracted. This demonstrates empathy and positive regard and helps establish a safe accepting relationship with a parent which makes it easier for them to tell their story.
- Awareness of verbal and nonverbal communication. What is the person not telling you? Do they look sad even when they say they’re OK?
- Prompting and exploration. “Tell me a bit more about that” shows the other person that you are interested in what they have to say. This can encourage them to tell you their story. Try using open questions like, “What were you feeling when that happened?”
- Summarising. Sum up what you have heard. Don’t worry if you can’t remember every detail. This is about checking your understanding. “I think what I heard you say is … Have I got that right?”
If you would like to see the active listening skills of a brief encounter in action, have a look at this 10-minute conversation where a family support worker visits a young mum with twins. Look out for the skills she uses.
Relationship insights
Practitioners often tell us that they feel confident in noticing the signs of relationship issues, but that they find it more difficult to open up the conversation. It can also be hard to close the conversation back down in a way that leaves both people feeling that it has been useful.
Activity 3
The following ‘relationship insights’ will help you explore with someone what is going on for them. The videos show one of our facilitators, Kate Nicolle, explaining them. As you watch each one, ask yourself:
1. What is the main message of this relationship insight?
2. In what situations might it be useful?
3. How would you introduce the relationship insight to parents?
Relationship insight 1 – Changes and stages of relationships
‘Changes and stages of relationships’ shows how relationships develop over time. People often find it reassuring to see that a difficult phase won’t last forever, and that things can get better. It shows some of the stages that relationships might go through:
- Romance. We are excited by the prospect of a new relationship and keen to show the best of ourselves.
- Reality. We must adjust to new responsibilities and problems of living together. We have to learn to compromise as we begin to reconcile our different styles and expectations of each other.
- Power struggle. As we grow more independent, we tend to argue more. This is a tricky stage but it can be negotiated if we learn to accept each other’s differences and make compromises.
- Finding ourselves. We figure out how to be ourselves within the relationship.
- Acceptance of each other. We have found what works for us, so we feel satisfied in our partnership.
If we reach the stage of mutual love and respect, we may not stay there. Stress and change often mean we go back to the power struggle stage, where we have to work through our new situation together.
Not all relationships start with romance. For couples in an arranged marriage, the first stage might be a power struggle where the couple attempt to carve out some power for themselves. Couples don’t always move smoothly between stages and can move up and down several times. It is often during the move from one stage to another that conflict occurs.
Relationship insight 2 – Sliding scale of relationships
The sliding scale of happiness helps people to think about their relationship and identify how they feel about it. The umbrella represents the things that protect their relationship, like spending time together, humour, and affection. You can share this insight with parents and ask:
- Where do you think you are on this scale?
- Where do you think your partner would say they are?
- Are you both in the same place?
- If not, why might that be?
Some people are better at recognising why they are feeling close to or distant from one another. We can encourage them to recognise the causes of their distance and how they might reconnect, by asking questions like:
“What have you done in the past to make up after an argument?”
“When things are going well, what is happening?”
Relationship insight 3 – Thoughts, feelings, behaviours
A person’s thoughts and feelings are linked to the way they behave. People often misinterpret the meaning of another person’s behaviour because they can’t see the thoughts and feelings behind it.
As a result, they make assumptions about what that behaviour means, which may not be accurate. The top tip is to avoid making assumptions about what someone else is thinking and feeling – have a look at this short film clip that shows just how easy it is for couples to misinterpret each other.
It’s always best to check!
Relationship insight 4 – Hidden issues
Arguments are often focused on common issues like money, parenting, in-laws, work, and who does what around the house. But beneath these issues, there are often hidden issues that can cause stress and affect the way someone behaves.
It can be helpful to keep in mind that the person you are talking to may not be aware of their hidden issues or how they are affecting them. An argument about who does the dishes or empties the bins is rarely just about that. More often, the argument is a symptom caused by an underlying issue. It can be helpful to sensitively ask, “Do you think there might be something else going on here?”
Summary
Review – What would you like to do now?
Possibilities and options can become clearer if you can encourage parents to think back to times when things were better. This builds their sense of resilience and give them a greater awareness of their own resources. They might think about what will help and what actions they can take. You could ask them
- How would things look if it were better?
- What would be happening?
- What would have to change?
- What would you or your partner be doing differently?
- When you’ve fallen out before what helped you make up?
- What would help you make things better?
REMEMBER:
You can't fix someone else's relationship, but you can offer TIME, ATTENTION, and RESPECT to help them try to find their own solutions.
There is no magic wand, but listening to someone’s story and sharing some of the relationship insights might be just enough to help them understand what’s going on, and think about what to do differently.
You may want to offer a follow-up meeting for further support or let them know they can contact you if they need to talk again.
Case study: a brief encounter with Badia
Emir and Badia moved to the UK from Yemen 17 years ago when Badia was pregnant with their first child. The couple now have four children aged four to 17 and live in a very cramped two-bedroom house. Emir recently lost his job when the local car factory closed down and has been looking for work ever since.
Badia attended English classes for women at the local community centre. Harsha, who ran the group, introduced the women to the See it differently videos as a way of helping them find their voice. Many of the women lived in very traditional households where their culture and background meant that their husband and his extended family made the decisions.
Recognise the signs
Harsha noticed that Badia was often late for lessons and was not her usual bubbly self. Harsha met Badia at the school and walked with her to the centre to ask how she was coping. Badia became very distressed and confided in Harsha that her husband had taken out a car loan so he could be a carshare driver and that the repayments would be taken directly from their Universal Credit. She was also concerned about her eldest son, who had dropped out of college.
Respond with active listening
Harsha found a private space at the centre and arranged for a colleague to start the class. She listened to Badia and helped her tell her story using phrases like “Tell me a little bit more about that.” She explored what was going on for the family and reflected what she had heard.
“So, I think what I heard you say was that you are really worried that you won’t be able to pay the bills and buy food on the little money you have left. You’re also worried about your son who is hanging around with some boys who you think are doing drugs, and you are having lots of horrendous arguments. Have I got that right?”
Review: check in on progress
As Badia and Harsha talked, it became clear to Badia that she needed to talk to her husband using the skills she had learned from the See it differently videos – stay calm, see it differently, speak for myself.
During the pandemic lockdown Harsha regularly checked in with Badia and encouraged her to keep trying. They used the sliding scale of happiness to help Badia think about where she was now and where she would like to be. Badia began to gain confidence and was really pleased that she was able to better manage the conversations with her husband. They had stopped shouting at each other over little niggles and were talking more calmly about the big stuff.
Things with her eldest son were getting better too. Badia realised that she had misunderstood her husband when he tried to encourage their son to take up an apprenticeship scheme. She had actively discouraged that option as she didn’t really understand apprenticeships and thought college was a better option. She learned that she needed to listen and see it differently too!
What if parents need more help?
If it becomes obvious that there are more serious issues in the relationship, you should consider signposting parents to other services. We have included some national organisations offering free services, but it may be a good idea for you to check out what is available locally and have the contact details available. To get more help from professional and credible services, see our list.
Domestic violence, safeguarding and parental conflict
Disagreements in relationships are normal and not problematic when both people feel able to handle and resolve them. But when parents are entrenched in conflict that is frequent, intense and hostile, it is likely to have a negative impact on the parents and their children. This includes domestic abuse, where there is an imbalance of power and one parent feels fearful of the other. If a concern is identified that could indicate a person is experiencing domestic abuse, local policies and procedures to address this should always be followed.
Activity 3
Imagine you are in a centre. During your session a parent says to you:
“We argue a lot. Sometimes I know it’s my fault. We’ve both lost our temper and broken things or pushed each other. We both want to argue less. He says I nag, and I think he doesn’t appreciate what I do for the family. He won’t be happy that I’ve told you this.”
What are your initial thoughts?
Q. Can you rule out domestic abuse?
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A. No. There are some worrying things in this statement. “We’ve both lost our temper and broken things or pushed each other … He won’t be happy I’ve told you this.” The last sentence in particular needs unpicking – is this an example of controlling behaviour or is their partner just not keen on services knowing their business?
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Q. In your current role, what would you do next?
A. Some staff will need to pass this information on. Others may be able to gather more information.
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Q. What else do I need to know?
A. How often do their arguments get physical like this? Are the children in danger of getting hurt?
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Q. What would satisfy you that this is not domestic abuse?
A: A thorough discussion would be needed. If you aren't in a position to do that, can you refer it to a colleague? Body language might also give you some clues – does the person look scared or nervous? Do they feel safe?
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All staff and volunteers must follow their organisation’s guidance. If you are at all worried speak to your manager. If you are concerned about a child's safety in this situation then you must follow your local safeguarding procedures.
You can find links to further support services in the ‘Seeing it differently’ resource.
Looking after yourself
The nature of the content in this resource may trigger personal issues for you. It’s important to look after yourself. We encourage you to seek support and supervision as a resource for your own development and learning. You will need opportunities to:
- Share your work in confidence.
- Get feedback and guidance.
- Let off steam if you are angry, fed up, or discouraged.
- Acknowledge your own feelings of distress, happiness, failure, etc.
- Feel valued by your colleagues.
Learning and evaluation
Activity 4
Don’t forget to complete the mind map of what you need to remember from this section – it will act as an easy guide for the next time you recognise someone needs your help.
